Chapter 15 – How to Outwit the Six Ghosts of Fear

This is my favorite chapter. This was also the first chapter that I read when I started this process of mentally cleansing myself. It made me examine myself and my motivations towards life in general, and success in particular. I have spent the rest of my mental cleanse working on these fears and although I haven't completely rid myself of them, I have a better handle on my thinking process and can divert myself away from totally succumbing to these fears.

The one fear that I am trying to get a handle on is the loss of love. My focus for a long time has been to have a family and now that I do I want to do the best things for them. One of those things that I must do is to generate the income necessary to provide the lifestyle that I think will help them to be well-rounded and productive people. Knowing all of this, it would seem to be a simple step to just go on with doing the business, attending conferences and the like. But I feel myself dragging my feet when the opportunity arrives. A part of me is afraid of being one of those workaholic parents who think that things can replace the companionship that every person needs. I am afraid that my children will look back on their young lives and think that they weren't loved and in turn shut me out.

The logical part of me realizes that if I am aware of the pitfalls of growing a business to the exclusiveness of everything else that I wouldn't become one of those people, but I am still afraid. Maybe it's not so much because the children might reject me, as much as it is the whole idea of going to a convention. Being raised as a JW, we had to go to conventions at least 3 times a year. Two day, three day, four days and even seven day conventions are still fresh in my mind. And regardless of all of the sitting, listening and learning that went on during those times when I needed to free myself from a bad marriage, all of the people who preached truth and love turned their backs on me. And not just because they personally disagreed with my decision, but because they were told to by the book publishing ruling body who didn't know me or care about me.

All of the people that I grew up with, shared secrets with and had fun with are gone. There is only one person from the organization that keeps in touch with me and that is only done sporadically. Everyone else from birth until I was thirty years old is gone. My children will never play with their children. My kids won't know the stories (unless I tell them) about silly things that I did growing up. And it's not because of anything more than the caprice of an organization that I used to fantasize about blowing up. Although I am better than I was when it happened, I guess I'm not totally healed from the experience.

As I write this, I realize that I have allowed my children to act as a shield against the rejection that might happen if I decided to participate fully by going to conventions or any other type of large organization. If they could come, I'd probably feel safer. Why? The only thing that I can come up with is that they are proof that I am loveable, that I am indispensable to people. They can't be taken away from me on a whim or judgment from a kangaroo court. And now, realizing this, I know what I have to work on. I need to realize that the people I associate with are chosen by me for no other reason than that we are compatible. We're not together because we're "supposed" to be. We're together because we choose to be and that means that it's an even playing field, unlike my experience with The Society.

And I just realized another thing. This "wonderful" group would have denied me my children by forcing me to stay with a man I neither loved nor was healthy for my mental health. One elder (my brother-in-law) at the time even told me that if I were his wife I'd have to choose between him and my child from an adulterous relationship. Perhaps that is why I'm so fiercely protective over my relationship with my children. I'll have to think about that more.

Now, just in case my husband is wondering where he fits into all of this, I know that he and I will be together until we fall asleep in death. He serves as my protector and I know that he will never leave me, regardless of what others may say. He's the first person that I learned to trust after dealing with the Witness Protection Program (his nickname for the Borg) and my best friend.

Fear is a powerful emotion and one that will stop you from accomplishing your dreams if you don't stare it down once you've identified it. Next year's convention will have two new VIPs attending the dinner (and probably a babysitter at the hotel taking care of the kids J). Well Michael, you're the one that always tells us to take baby steps. LOL!

Michael, thank you for taking the time to help us all save ourselves from the trash that has collected in our minds.

With much gratitude,

 

Cheryl Henderson-Khalid